Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Baby NOT on Board

I am normally pretty good about not thinking about this topic but yesterday I found out that a woman in my similar situation is pregnant. I was so upset. Of course I am thrilled for her but I cannot help be sad for me.

I am 40 years old with female issues (cysts, PCOS, overweight) and my boyfriend does not have health insurance. We will eventually get married (he can get on my insurance then) but that will take some time and I am getting older. We did have his sperm tested to see if everything was ok and it was not. He will need to see a doctor to help his boys swim and work properly.  I have female issues so getting pregnant might be a problem for me even though the doctor seems to think I am ok.

I guess I could just say that it is not meant to be but I am still secretly hopeful. I am going to work on getting myself as healthy as possible. In the meantime, hopefully he will propose, we will get married and he will get on my insurance. Maybe in a year we can try but I cannot wait too much longer because technically I am probably too old and high risk now but I am not ready to totally give up on the idea. I want a little boy so bad. I cried most of yesterday evening and David was so good about comforting me. He loves me.

I think he wants us to be better off financially before we get married and move forward but I am trying to make him realize that that could take a long time and it is not necessary for us to be happy and married. Sigh.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

I AM WHO I AM !!!

Good morning! I cannot believe that I am doing this on a Thursday. My first blog! It is not the beginning of the week or month and the date makes no real sense to me. The numbers are not consecutive or add together to make anything memorable. So, why am I doing this you ask? I have no earthly idea!

Well, I am going to be 41 in 3 months and I have not done a lot with myself or my life up until this point. Don't get me wrong, I have had a good life with lots of loving family and friends so I have done and accomplished some things but not what I consider memorable things... I am still not married, no kids, no community service, not making a huge difference in people's lives really. I wanted so much more for myself but alas I AM WHO I AM... and I am ok with it so far.

I am an overweight white girl that teaches Junior High students who lives with her boyfriend, dog, and three cats in a two bedroom apartment on the third floor. We love reading, movies, music, and computer games. He has a PS2, PS3, XBox, PSP, Wii and I have a DS. He loves me no matter what size I am or whether or not I wear make-up or not. He is sooo outside the box for me; not my typical type AT ALL but I think he might be everything I never knew I always needed. He has grown on me over time and now I cannot imagine life without him. Sigh... (I do that a lot. Sigh that is.)

 

So, I had gastric by-pass surgery in February 2008 and I am still well over 200 pounds (270 to be exact). My lowest after surgery was 247 I believe which was 130 pounds lost but I was sick at the time. I did maintain 255 forever (well a long time) until recently. Yes, I know, I am going in the wrong direction. Sadly, I am not ok with it but not overly motivated to change anything in the immediate present. So be it!

Anyway, I am in a wedding this weekend for a friend and I know I will want cake so I will worry about my new desire to get healthy after that. David and I are planning to go to the gym on Monday (he has been sick) so he needed time to get better, which he has already. Woot! We always grocery shop on Sunday so that will be a good day to cook for the week or at least get what we need to be better eaters. Well, we are pretty good eaters already. I mostly cook and we already eliminated the white stuff and caffiene from our lives. My problem in a nutshell is portion control. I don't eat bad stuff just too much and too often throughout the day. I am becoming famous for 'grazing.' Tsk tsk...

Well, you have meet me now so I hope I keep up with this because I have decided to use this as BLOG THERAPY... Please comment, ask questions, or just read and shake your head. ;D